How to Get Over an Ex
A key part of my recovery and subsequent development into a man was the inability to move past an obsessive relationship with an ex-girlfriend.
During my time with her, I was embroiled in the pain of surviving off the scraps of sex and love she would offer to satisfy my hopeless, needy behaviour.
In that vision of hell I was gifted one of the most vital life lessons I could have ever wished for – how to be in my masculine core.
It may seem counter-intuitive that at your lowest you find your strength, but in the ruins of my weakness, I had to let go and muster a new form of strength.
Below is a guide to removing yourself from the obsession and toxicity of neediness, one of the most valuable lessons a man can learn.
Lesson 1: Learning The Masculine Core – Why You Need It
If you are helplessly in love with a woman and are staying around while she disrespects you and dates /flirts with other men, as I was, you are out of your masculine core.
If you stay outside of your masculine core, you will get continually hurt and stay as a hopeless adolescent, a naïve romantic, and a weak backboned loser.
Harsh words, maybe. But trust me, your experiences with women will be much, much more brutal if you do not begin to accept this now.
What is the masculine core?
There a zillion books explaining how a man can locate his masculine core and be attractive to women by being a law-unto-himself, proud, confident, purposeful…
All the above is true, but I can save you a lot of time and effort by helping you to ascertain your masculine core by discovering what it is not in you.
This approach has the dual effect of training your masculine spirit and teaching you self-knowledge.
Think: What are the key behaviours / emotions that accompany the inability to get over a women?
Here are some I displayed in my experience:
- Inability to say no (no boundaries)
- Fear she’d leave
- Increased usage of porn
- Fear she’d get with someone else
- Increased dating other women
- Increased alcohol and drug usage
- Neediness around her
- Thinking she was out of my league
- Thinking I’d never meet another woman like her again, this was my only chance (oneitis)
The above is a checklist of what the masculine core is not.
Therefore, if you want to learn the characteristics of a masculine core unique to you, write down your weak behaviours and then flip them as per below by explaining their opposite:
- Ability to say no (creating boundaries)
- Confidence to survive alone if need be
- Do not use porn to soothe emotional pain
- Accept people make their own choices
- Date women who are right for me on my schedule
- Do not use drugs / alcohol
- Non-needy around women, needs are met elsewhere
- No woman is out of my league
- Abundance mentality – I am the catch
The above forms a framework for a masculine core that is unique to me and teaches me what I’m aiming for in combating inner neediness around an ex.
Lesson 2: Learn, Never Blame
Moving away from a neediness mindset is extremely painful, as often you’re not dealing with a break-up, but your very structure of perception.
There are rafts of reasons why I have behaved in such a needy, hopeless manner in the past: addiction, dysfunctional and violent family life, sensitivity to life itself… whatever it is a man in recovery never seeks to blame.
I may have been naïve to a sense of inner masculinity and its power at the time, but the above needy behaviours were expressed by me and me only, it is my duty to fix them, never to blame others for my behaviour, thoughts and feelings.
This is so central to learning and recovery, whether you have physical, emotional or even sexual abuse in your story, death of friends or family, severe poverty, whatever, resentment will destroy you long before addiction or neediness does.
The anger at being cast into a delusional world of oneitis will be palpable as you recover from neediness and obsession.
You will see the lies in movies and on television, in society and, of course, in your past.
But heed this warning, you must tread carefully here: it is the crossroads to a life of growth or one of resentment and destruction.
As opposed to falling into blame, I had to realize I had the opportunity to learn and have faith that these lessons will stand me in good stead for the future. And you do too. You can renew that vow each day if need be.
I guarantee you that if you take this approach, you will not only start to move away from obsession with ex-girlfriend’s but even start finding other women that you prefer and find you are not needy around them.
Lesson 3: Embodying the Masculine Core
You will find that living in your masculine core not only decreases your neediness around women, but reshapes the inner balance so women find you more attractive because you are committed to owning your own life and bettering yourself not wallowing in the pain of the past and resentment.
By living in the principles of your masculine core you are showing the vital signs of masculinity: ambition, self-security, purpose.
This was a mind-blowing life experience for me.
Growing up on a steady-diet of idealistic popular music, soppy movies and third-wave feminism, I was sure masculinity was an old out-dated concept that females thought ridiculous. How wrong I was!
Society and the mainstream media may put forth these ideas that nice, emotional soft guys are what women want and what we need to be, yet the inner essence of the masculine core transcends the physical, evolutionary and spiritual realms and renders this soft, soppy guy slushy BS.
To be acting in neediness is to be severely detached from your masculine essence. The media will not tell you this but it makes women feel insecure being around a needy, emotional man.
You can see the evolutionary drivers here: a woman wants a man who behaves like a man. If she has this she feels safe in the world.
If we put it in evolutionary terms you can see the issue clearly, we have developed in a chaotic world of violence and inter-tribe rivalry, meaning attack is historically common and men had to offer protection to the tribe.
Therefore, it stands to reason women have developed a desire for a man who knows himself and is strong physically, emotionally and spiritually.
After all, when the metaphorical tribe attack, is a woman going to choose the man who stands and fights for his cause and combats his demons, or opt for the man who sits crying in the corner, moaning how he ‘loves her so much’ talking about his emotions?
There is a host of pick-up material online which ‘trains’ lost men in the art of seduction, and yeah, it works, it really does, but as a man seeking to grow into the finest version of himself, to show true masculine values, we are seeking to embody the masculine core for peace of mind, for spiritual, physical and intellectual growth, not to trick women into sleeping with us.
Living in this manner will also temper the emotions. All men have emotions, but we are better off working on our development with other men, as we strive be open and vulnerable while helping them, rather than expecting women to look after us.
It is here you can discover the profound power you have as a man. You have found a life-spring for life that can empower your efforts in growing into the best version of yourself and avoiding the hell of neediness.
Seek other men who wish to grow as individuals, into decent men, and if you can’t find people to guide you, guide others.
Lesson 4: Conclusions and Acceptance
As we come to the conclusion of this short introduction, we must come to acceptance of the past.
For me, this meant accepting my ex-gf was right to not want to be with me if I couldn’t stand up for myself.
Given the evolutionary backdrop, who could blame her?
Further, I was taught one of the hardest but most essential lessons in life: man must live in his masculine core.
Key things to remember:
- Masculinity is paramount – I must find my heroic journey in life
- Women like masculinity, they don’t dislike it
- I come first, in future I should either be strong and establish boundaries or end it with a GF who isn’t reliable
- If I am still stuck in trauma or resentment over the past it is my duty to work it through and learn
- I must be courageous
- Fear is normal, but not facing it is cowardice and will cause more pain in the long run
- Accept that if I accept life, it will teach me to be strong